Getting unsolicited and highly annoying advice from a total stranger doesn’t happen to just anyone. But since I’m such a humanitarian, I’ll let you in on a little secret that puts you on the fast track to getting some.

Become a mother.

Get yourself one of these here childrenamajigs and BAM! May the social mores you know and respect dissipate before your eyes.

The moment your noob starts crowning, there’ll be somebody there to tell you how you should incinerate all your non-organic crib bedding. Before your milk’s even come in, there’ll be another person telling you how your milk’s not coming in right. Before your newborn has taken her first precious breath of air, some mother will float down on a cloud and tell you that her baby latches better than yours. And even before you’ve unloaded your nooborn from the car, a pregnant woman — who doesn’t even live on your street — will jump out from behind the crib and tell you how she’s already gotten her fetus to sleep through the night.

So, I shouldn’t have been surprised that this happened at preschool:

Momzilla: Hey, how old is your daughter?

Me: She’ll be three next month.

Momzilla: So how many classes are you guys taking?

*RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Proceed with caution Noob Mommy*

Me: Where the heck is Noob Baby? She’s supposed to be my wingman. Umm… we’re taking this class and ballet.

Momzilla: THAT’S IT?!!!! IT….it….it….it… (EYES FALL OUT OF SOCKETS AND DANGLE BY THEIR NERVES) Wow! I could never do that if I was just staying at home and not working. I’d go crazy. I mean, there’s so much I want to do. I’d have to sign us up for classes every single day. Wow, just two classes, huh?

(MOMZILLA PICKS A PIECE OF DISTATE FROM HER MOUTH AND FLICKS IT AWAY WITH A SHUDDER)

Me: Effffffffffffff Yoooooooouuuuu unsolicited opinions lady!

Me (for reals): So, how many classes are you guys in?

Momzilla: Well we’re only in two right now because I work three days a week. So what does your husband do?

Me: …          …        ….

(CHECKING MY WATCH TO VERIFY THAT I HAD IN FACT ONLY “KNOWN” THIS WOMAN FOR 3 MINUTES).

And that, boys and girls, is how pissing contests are started at preschool. Ok, it could have been worse. But when a stranger implies that I’m loafing around all day eating Bon Bons and watching As the World Turns, I don’t defend myself…… I write a blog post.

Well, I thought for a second how I could rant and complain to all of you about how insulted her comment left me feeling. Then I thought we could all get together and go toilet paper her house, but since I don’t know where she lives, I guess we’ll have to save that one for next time. I thought maybe I’d write some snarky comments about her split ends and beat up manicure. But since I already unleashed all that on Noob Daddy, I thought I’d try to make some lemonade from lemons instead.

So let me tell you a bit about little Noob Mommy. I grew up comparing myself to others all the time, which left me feeling insecure and less than ordinary. It was instilled in me to always measure my achievements against others. Children don’t do these things instinctively, but they are good at projecting their parents. I almost never heard my mother say, “Good job. You tried your best.” When I didn’t get into one of my first choice colleges, my mother told me I shouldn’t bother appealing because I wouldn’t get in anyway. I remember when I told her I wanted to be a doctor, she responded, “You’re not smart enough to be one.” You can imagine that when you go through the majority of your life judging yourself against others and replaying your faults like a choppy home video in your head, you never get a chance to discover your own strengths. Consequently, when you’re a child and then a teenager and then someone about to leave home for the first time, you feel as though you have no strengths, no unique passions or talents and then it becomes extraordinarily difficult to muster the confidence to take any risks at all.

As harmless and brief as that conversation at preschool may have been, it got me thinking about my own childhood baggage and insecurities. Nowadays, I’m trying very hard not to compare myself with other people, moms in particular. And let me tell you, it’s really difficult trying to shake something I was trained to do as a child. But I’m determined not to run that rat race anymore. It seems as women, we end up competing against each other or trying to outdo one another. Don’t we tend to judge each other much harsher than men judge us? I know that as a mom, whether you work, stay at home, or work at home, we can get really competitive and defensive about the choices we make for the sake of our children or our careers.

The next time you’re going about your day and you get suckerpunched by someone who’s trying to dispense unsolicited judgment, stay true to yourself and the standards you’ve set. Find motivation or inspiration from others, but don’t get sucked into the black hole of comparing and ripping yourself apart. Parenting is hard enough without all that self-induced trauma, don’t you think?

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