I am writing you this letter as a mother brought to tears from sheer gratitude. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you for creating the most amazing cereal on earth in this galaxy. Freakin Cheerios! Absolutely genius.

There is something so profoundly magical about those unpretentious O’s. Do you even realize that your humble little product is the only thing allowing me to get through a meal and go out to a civilized dining establishment right now? How do toasted whole grain oats calm a maniac down in mere seconds? You have really struck upon a tremendous formula here. Edible treat + entertainment. I applaud you.

Dear Lord, I pray you will shower the earth with Cheerios today.

Whatever the secret ingredient is (“vitamin fortified oats”), keep it coming General. I’m not going to question the brains behind the genius, the method behind the madness, or these magical “vitamins”. All I know is, when I sprinkle Cheerios on Noob Baby’s head, I mean… not saying I do that OFTEN or anything… she transforms into a happy, cooing cherubic angel.

High-pitched screams – GONE.
Inexplicable tears – GONE.
Smelly diaper – GONE. Well, maybe not the last one. But I’m confident with more research….

By the way, have you considered updating your marketing campaign? I’m pretty certain a refocus on the magical qualities of your product will really boost sales. Here’s just a rough mock up I pulled together for you:

Now, I have one little question. Is it possible for a baby to become obese eating Cheerios, but have remarkably low cholesterol levels? I’m fairly certain Noob Baby would be an excellent candidate for this study.

Well, I’m off to go throw out all unnecessary crap in my pantry now – the homemade organic baby food and Gerber food stuffs. Noob Baby and I are hitting up Costco today to buy enough Cheerios to get us through a natural disaster.

Oh, and Noob Baby wanted to say thanks too.

Your biggest fan,

I pity da foo dat touches mah Cheerioz!

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